The worst piece of advice I've ever received is "Just give up!"
Now to provide some context, what that has to do with reversed expectations, and why I consider that bad advice.
Going back to the Writer's Craft class I attended in high school, and made mention of in my Warning to Stop / Motivation to Succeed post, my teacher had us begin our own writer's craft journals in which we were expected to make entries every time we had our class. To facilitate these entries, there would be a writing prompt on the board at the front of class that we were invited to respond to. One class I walked in to find the following question on the board,
"What's the worst piece of advice you've ever received?"
As I consider that question now, I can't help but smile at the inherent reversed expectation within that question. Advice, by definition, is an opinion or recommendation to guide another's actions. And I don't know about you, but I definitely wouldn't advise anything that I personally didn't feel was the best course of action in the given situation. So any advice, by nature of what it is, would be considered the best advice possible by the giver - setting the stage for an expectation that the comment is of the highest value. However, the suggestion that some advice could be classified as bad, worse, or worst, implies a significant reversal of that expectation. Not only did the value of the comment, as seen by the giver, not match the value placed on it by the received, it was fully reversed.
But when I was sitting at my desk, rifling through my backpack for my journal, those weren't really the thoughts that came to mind. For the me back then, I didn't waste time thinking about the question, just what my answer was. I immediately landed on one piece of advice that I considered to be of the least value: just give up! And that hasn't changed despite the passing of 15+ years. I would still consider that the worst piece of advice, and the reasons for that have just continued to grow. And as I consider the experiences I've had that support my feeling that this is the worst piece of advice for me, I realize that they're all examples of reversed expectations in and of themselves. So I won't provide you with all of them, cause they'll likely provide the groundwork for future blog posts, but I'll share a couple with you here: one that was a major factor for me considering this the worst piece of advice when I was in grade 11, and one that has really emphasized that for me since that time.
First, the example that came to my mind as I sat at my desk in my Writer's Craft class: Cross Country. Throughout my years of public school, both elementary and high school, I really enjoyed being as physically active as possible. I played volley-ball, basketball, and badminton, as well as participating in wrestling, numerous events in track and field, and, you guessed it, cross country. I started participating in cross country back when I was in grade 2, and I really enjoyed going out on those long runs. But I had a small problem, I suffered from sports asthma, meaning that exercise could induce wheezing, shortness of breath, and/or coughing. Because of that, my coach recommended that it might make sense for me to just give up. I can't recall if those were the exact words used, but that was the sentiment. And as I talked it over with my parents I ended up deciding to do just that, I gave up. The funny thing about this situation is I grew out of my sports asthma, and actually got faster. And though I continued to participate in the other sports I mentioned, I've never gotten back into cross country. It's really too bad that my coach didn't consider the fact that children do sometimes outgrow sports asthma, and instead of recommending that I give up on taking part in cross country, monitor my symptoms and determine how to proceed each year depending on how I feel.
A path forward that took into account the potentiality that I could compete though maybe not every year depending on how my asthma was doing, an option that looked at the grey areas rather than just the black and white of participating or not, probably would have been more valuable advice.
Second, the example that has emphasized for me since that time that just give up is NOT valuable advice. In the summer of 2007, just after graduating from high school, I was in a serious car accident. The accident occurred in a rural area and I was airlifted to the nearest hospital that could accommodate my injuries. Once there, my prognosis was that I wouldn't survive the next 48 hrs. You see, because of the nature of the accident and the jostling I had received I had sustained a sever traumatic brain injury. And based on the tests performed by paramedics at the scene of the accident, I was classified as being catastrophically impaired according to the Glasgow Coma Scale. Considering the trauma my brain had received, the doctors didn't think I would make it past 48 hrs. When I did, they revised their prognosis to state that I would survive, though they were unsure of the state I would be in, potentially being in a vegetable state requiring others to do everything for me for the rest of my life. Regardless of the state I was going to end up in, they explained to my parents that I would be in the hospital for at least the next 6 months. Miraculously, I was discharged from the hospital within 3 weeks! But that's not to say I was in the clear and that my recovery was a cakewalk. In fact, it was anything but. Due to the nature of where my brain was injured I had to relearn how to walk, how to read and write, and how to talk properly. And for those of you who have only had to learn to do those things once, learning them again is not the funnest experience.
As I progressed in my recovery I worked with a vast number of doctors, medical professionals, and specialists to get my development back on track. And though it was never exactly stated, there were a lot of times just give up was the implied advice. As I worked on walking I was reminded by doctors that I may never run again, and maybe I shouldn't push myself beyond just moving from point A to point B. As I worked on reading and writing it was highlighted how good it was that I had already graduated from high school since my days as a student were likely over. As I worked on talking I was told to get used to talking disjointedly as I would experience word-finding difficulties long into the future. And if I had listened to those comments, listened to the advice to just give up, I probably would be in a state not much different than I had been when I was discharged from the hospital. Luckily, I didn't. Though I have a slightly different gait than I did before my accident, I can walk perfectly fine and can run whenever I so desire. Though I can't quite read or write as fast as I did before my accident, I can read and write well enough that I was able to graduate with a Bachelor of Arts with Honours degree, majoring in both Psychology and English. Though I do run into the periodic word that I can't readily find, I'm able to talk and communicate with no real issues, such that I was able to serve a two year mission for my church and have worked as a teacher for scripture-based courses for students aged 18-30.
There are so many things I would not have done, if I had believed they could not be done, when I had been told to just give up.
So there you have it, my experiences that have emphasized for me that being told to just give up is the worst piece of advice I have ever received! Truly, if I had accepted the advice to just give up my life would be in a drastically different place, and definitely not better than it is today.
But I want to conclude with a caveat that this post is not to say that just giving up is the worst piece of advice for everyone. Every life is different, and the advice that is valuable for one may be the worst for another, and I will not presume to state what advice will work for you and your life. You'll have to figure that out for yourself!
So, what's the worst best advice that you've ever received?
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